Day 10 - Discuss your first love and your first kiss

Jesus fucking christ, why don't you just come out and ask me to discuss my hotmail account secret password answers already?

The wording of the question makes me think that a first love and first kiss are shared with the same person, for me this isn't really true. Though I suppose it depends on what exactly is meant by first love and first kiss. First peck on the cheek or first time using tongues? First girl I loved as a child, or who I fell in love with as an adult? It's complicated, so I'm just going to answer the questions I want to.

When I was very young, I had a female friend. Her name wasn't Amber. But me and her would do everything together and our friendship lasted what must have been 7 years. I totally loved her. Then her family relocated to Australia. I remember the day before she left, she was giving her friends at school cards with her photo in and a message to say goodbye, but I didn't get one - I was upset, and then at the end of the day she found me and gave me a special card and message and a kiss on the cheek goodbye.

I cried the whole way home. I remember my dad holding me as I sobbed uncontrollably. I saw her once after that, about 3 years after she moved. Then never again. Later, when I studied Drama and I needed to act upset or cry, this is the memory I would think about.

My first kiss, as in my first proper full on mouth on mouth kiss was with a girl who wasn't called Jennifer. Me and my family used to stay with ex neighbours at their place in Somerset every other Christmas. It was actually brilliant. One particular year there was a big New Years, and other parents also brought their kids. One of them was Jennifer. We got along and went on random walks into the countryside, getting lost and lying in fields. I was awkward and completely lacking experience around girls but we kissed for hours. I remember awkwardly thanking her afterwards. Cringeworthy.

God, I used to be such a sweet boy. What happened?
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Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like

When I've already detailed where I want to be in 10 years, who really gives a fuck about how I get there? I mean, ideally the whole imminent hostile robot takeover won't happen in my life time.

I hope my future is happy, and that those around me I care about are truely contented. That's the only true definition of success.

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Day 08 - A Moment you felt most satisfied with your life

I'm going to be honest, via the charity of my parents allowing me to discover what I wanted to do, and then spend years training and working towards it on a low/no salary through the time assured method of living at home - I didn't move out until I was 26.

When I finally did, it was in to a place in East London with two of my long serving/suffering friends. The whole process of moving in was strangely fun, with our first visit to IKEA feeling like we were a little family. I distinctly recall the first night we moved in, around 3am we ordered a Pizza and sat in our almost empty living room eating it.

Glorious Freedom.
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Day 07 - Your Zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

Recently, in an effort to rejuvenate horoscopes, the star-signs shifted according to the powers that be, meaning that many people now had different horoscopes - which sort of shattered the idea that the Zodiac was something ancient and mysterious.

Fortunately for me, my sign remains 'Skeptic'. (Jan 1st - December 31st). I find that all the star-signs fit areas of my personality. Human beings are complicated creatures that arrive in more than 12 categories.

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Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

1 - I work in Visual Effects for feature films as a 2D Compositor. The first film I was a compositor on was Wes Anderson's Fantastic Mr Fox.

2 - My eyes and hair change colour depending on the weather. ( I don't believe this is unique in any way, but I find it interesting).

3 - I have a slight phobia of Ancient Egyptian Mummies because of an Audiobook I listened to at school when I was in Middle School. Specifically - the nightmare the protagonist is having set in a tomb during the books opening and his scream as he wakes up.

4 - I run a Tabletop Roleplaying Game with my flatmates called "Call of Cthulu". Meaning I own several rule books and lots of dice.

5 - I have been on camera. I was an extra in V for Vendetta, Children of Men and the Da Vinci Code. I was also stand-in for (just for a day during DoP tests) Draco Malfoy on Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I got to wear the robes, though.

6 - I've played Guitar since I was 16. I am about as good as someone who started playing at 16 and then stopped after 2 weeks.

7 - I climbed Crib Goch (Snowdonia) with my first ever pornographic VHS in my backpack at the time.

8 - I earned a Marksmanship award shooting the L98 Rifle, but am not a gun ownership advocate.

9 - Over two days, I kayaked down the Ardeche River in the south of France.

10 - I conquered a fear of heights when I was 18 though remain an Arachnophobe.

11 - I've been to Switzerland twice. The first time was ski-ing, during a big series of avalanches, the second time I spent a week in an abandoned pig farm, helping shoot a movie.

12 - I used to aggressive inline skate, though despite persisting for several years - was never any good. I also used to attend Judo lessons as well as a small amount of time fencing.

13 - I taught myself web design, flash actionscript and Flash animation at the age of 16 because it just seemed interesting to me. My current skill set in the above remains on that (low, low) level. The skills I later made a career with are ones I sought on my own initiative rather than through University. I am a very ordinary self taught geek.

14 - I google everything. Most people that think I am intelligent don't seem to realize this.

15 - I've done Jury Service. It was uninteresting and no one believes me when I tell them.

16 - 'The Ring' is the scariest film I've watched. The Japanese original, not the western remake.

17 - I cry when I watch movies all the time. Even adverts set me off sometimes. However - I am very good at not showing my emotions if I'm watching a movie with someone else. The best example of this is probably when I watched "Into the Wild" with my brother. We were both on the verge of crying - yet managed somehow to man it out.

18 - The Most embarrassed I have ever been is a time when a girl who had recently slept with a friend who fancied her, drunkenly crept into my bed in the middle of the night. I was too shocked/mortified to do anything other than pretend to be asleep until she left. She doesn't know I know.

19 - When I was 19/20, I had a fight with my dad which ended in me being kicked out. The dispute was very teenage and temporary - but during the whole thing, one of my closest friends and his family looked after me. He is someone I hope to know forever.

20 - I've been Dr Horrible for Halloween 3 years in a row. It's getting old.

21 - I saw The Rocky Horror Picture show for the first time in my life, 2 days ago. It's fun, I enjoyed it.

22 - One of my pet hates is when someone is filming something with a video recorder/camera and they turn it sideways. That doesn't work.

23 - Someone once told me I look like Christian Bale "From the side". It's still the best compliment anyone has ever given me, ever.

24 - The main reason I don't have any tattoos is because of the very loud criticisms of any mention of Tattoos from my parents.Which is pretty lame.

25 - My younger brother (Aged 24) Skipped University so he could live at home with the parents, working weekends and doing nothing to further or start a hobby or career other than playing computer games all week. I envy his lifestyle, but sincerely fear for his future prospects. I am the typical older brother.

26 - The first time I ever went to laser Quest was when I was 12 or so. It was a friends birthday party. I was too scared to go in, and cried outside instead as all my friends played laser Quest. I would correct this later, spurred into being amazing at Laser Quest.

27 - I used to be in the Masters of the Universe Fan Club (He-Man). My membership name was "Mandock". I was also a member of "Rolf's cartoon club". Ah, my childhood.

28 - Sometimes I worry that I lack something fundamental to the process of being human. I can be too cold. I worry that things I dislike about myself are things other people like about me. I am self-critical and can be a perfectionist.

29 - I didn't like the taste of Bacon until I was 20 years old. I still don't enjoy Mushrooms.

30 - My bedsheets have been on TV. But that's a story of it's own.

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Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life

I would be lying if I said that at no point in the last year and a half of constant pain (Believed to be Migraines, treatment is ongoing) that I had never thought about killing myself. I'm facing the very real possibility of living my entire life in pain with on occasions, becomes debilitating for an hour or so and that's a future I can't examine without asking myself if I would prefer to avoid the suffering and to just end everything.


It's a question that is on my mind as I wake up to recognize the numbness in my forehead, and it's a question I fall asleep to. Though it's a question I am unafraid of, because the answer has always been, and will remain : No.

Occasionally, often as I am about to sleep - I am struck by the heaviness of existing. The sheer insignificance that my unremarkable life has on the bigger picture. The realization that I, some day, will die. It's enough to not only make me desperately want to live but also to breathe life in to other people too.

And I sincerely hope that I won't be done for some time.
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Day 04 - Yours views on Religion

To me, Religion feels like the simplest of answers to an infinite series of complex questions. I find the concepts of creation philosophical existentialism to be fascinating topics to which Religion almost always offers uninspired and manipulative explanations and I find that through a simple study of history - It's quite plainly obvious that Religion is most often a tool of control.

I am an Atheist. I don't pretend to know whether there is a god or not - to insist one way or the other is a little silly given the lack of absolute evidence, though it's that lack of evidence that leads me not to believe. And I feel, quite strongly that when your decisions as an individual are justified by you on account of an invisible supreme being - you're probably in the wrong.

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